5 Steps to Hard Conversations

Where do we even begin? It can be hard to initiate conversations that you know will create friction, especially when you’re a SOF spouse whose spouse is gone over half the year, a military spouse with an upcoming PCS, or a first responder spouse whose schedule only allows for short interactions with your person. It is easy to avoid these needed conversations because with such little time together, who really wants to create friction? For many, it is easier to grit and bear it than to make waves. And while that may seemingly be the best choice at the time, to create a strong, long-lasting marriage these conversations cannot be avoided. 

The first step of these conversations is to address our mindset. It is common in marriage therapy to see couples view a problem as an issue with their partner. This can lead to defensiveness and blame, taking the focus off of the problem itself. Think of the box in this picture as the problem, if the problem is with the spouse, then we can put all the pressure on them to fix it. 

Shifting our mindset to viewing the problem as something to figure out together, helps us work as a team to solve the problem. When we are working on a puzzle together, we pick up each piece and examine it, try to make it work, and if it does not fit, we keep looking for a solution. As we approach challenges in our marriage, our mindset should be similar.

The second step is identifying how you feel. Some examples might be:

“I feel alone in this”

“I am upset”

“I feel loved”

“I want to scream”

“I get so angry”

“I’m exhausted”

“I feel unheard.” 

“I’m so excited”

You do not have to know why you feel that way. You do not have to know how to solve the problem, the goal of this entire conversation is to build understanding. If you are upset about a deployment, no matter how hard your service member tries, they cannot solve that problem. If you are feeling alone, the goal is to find ways to decrease that feeling. 

The third step, which is really the other side of step two, is to be curious. When your partner comes to you and says “I feel alone in this” it is not to blame or point out all the ways they are not alone. Instead, responding with questions to deepen understanding of your partner's view is the best next step. That can look like:

“What do you see as your options?”

“Where do you think that comes from?” 

Next, is showing empathy. Empathy is a skill that can be learned. That does not mean we have to agree with our partner’s emotion, or even understand it. The goal here is to recognize what your partner is experiencing is hard and working to decrease that distress. 

Lastly, is identifying a plan to go forward if possible. In the example above of feeling alone due to ANOTHER deployment, that may look like hiring a weekly babysitter for a few hours alone; being more intentional with thanking your partner for what they do; or even being more intentional with showing up in little ways while gone like door dashing dinner or scheduling cleaners to come deep clean. If there are no obvious solutions, deepening your understanding of your partner’s world is a great success. That understanding helps in how we approach things and gives our partners the best gift- not feeling alone in bearing or solving the problem. 

Want more information on having hard conversations? Join our Ask a Therapist: How to Have Hard Conversations in July.